coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize