did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
