Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
