Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
