She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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