I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
