The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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