I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
