Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
