ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just had sex on a roof
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
