the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
