You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize
