I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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