dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
