I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
