Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
