yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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