I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
