Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize