you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
