I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
