This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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