I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
