I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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