Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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