Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
