I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
