I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
