my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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