GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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