so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
