Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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