Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
