I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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