Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize