so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
