For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
