My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
