would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
