There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
