Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
