I am midnight drunk by noon
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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