This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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