hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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