textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
