Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
