That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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