She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
