I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
