I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
