How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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