It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
