i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
