Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
