new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
