Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
