so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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