i used baking grease as lip gloss
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
