yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
