Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
